WE SUE, YOU PAY!
Because justice isn’t blind, she’s billing by the hour and charging you twice for the consultation.
WELCOME TO AMERICA’S MOST PROFITABLE TRAGEDY FACTORY
At Trial Lawyers Inc., we believe in the sacred right to turn every accident, headache, and inconvenience into cash!
Whether it’s a coffee spill, a fender bender, or your aunt’s cousin’s neighbor’s rash, we’ve got a lawsuit for that.
Jackpot Justice: Why settle for fairness when you can go for broke?
Predatory Ads: Cry on camera. Collect millions.
Unlimited Fees: Because “30% contingency” just doesn’t sound evil enough.
OUR BUSINESS MODEL
STEP 1: Find an accident, or invent one.
STEP 2: Air a heart-wrenching commercial narrated by a man who sounds like he failed his bar exam and his marriage.
STEP 3: Sue literally everyone with a pulse (and a wallet).
Our greatest hits include: Coffee v. Temperature (Too hot.) Stairs v. Gravity (Repeat offender.) Mirror v. Client’s Self-Esteem (Emotional damages pending.)
Because at Trial Lawyers Inc., every problem is an opportunity to cash in!.
WHO PAYS THE PRICE?
You do, every single time.
Those “free consultations” aren’t free when your insurance premium reads like a mortgage payment.
Every jackpot verdict means higher costs for families, small businesses, and anyone who dares to sell coffee above room temperature.
We get rich. You get the bill. (Don’t worry, we’ll itemize it under “justice.”)
THE REFORM THREAT
Now, some buzzkills want to impose “common-sense limits”, caps on damages, rules for ads, honesty, ethics… gross.
If that happens, we might have to get real jobs.
And honestly, have you seen these suits?
We’re not built for manual labor.
JOIN THE RESISTANCE
(AGAINST US)
Stop letting America’s most litigious leeches drain your wallet.
Support common-sense limits on deceptive trial-lawyer advertising and jackpot justice.
Sign the Petition. Stop the Scam.
MEET THE BOARD
Shark E. Barrister
VP of Frivolous Filings
Lucifer Q. Lawyer
CEO, Chief Exploitation Officer
Steve “Slimey” Esquire
Head of Emotional Damages and Champagne Procurement
Lucifer Q. Lawyer
Director of Victim Targeting & Ad Hysteria
SIGN THE PETITION
If you believe lawsuits should protect people, not profit from them, sign now.
Because the next commercial yelling “Were YOU or a loved one exposed to air?” might already be in production.
FINE PRINT (THAT WE’LL IGNORE ANYWAY)
This parody is brought to you by real people tired of fake justice. No lawyers were harmed in the making of this campaign, but a few egos might need legal representation.